I am beginning to write about my resolutions for this new year and am working through an introspective analysis of who I am. I have all my life been categorized as a "Control Freak", A-type personality that is very driven. That being said, I have lightened up a bit since my youth, but am definitely not to where I'd like to be. I would like to be a bit closer to the middle and enjoy things more. In order to do that I think I need to start with the area I think I may be lacking. That area in particular is my ability to play with my kids.
For many parents, it seems to come really easy to do the basics which is to play with their children. For me however, sometimes its feels like one of the most difficult tasks as a parent. With all the stresses of life feeling as though they are slamming into me I can't seem to separate myself from it, enough to really get into any game or playtime. At times it feels like my imagination seems to have gone missing and when it comes to games with them I literally can't understand why they are enjoying themselves so much and I am not, but I really want to.
In those moments, I look over at my husband. He is one of those people who can truly enjoy the moment, he can play and be completely happy. His happiness doesn't seem to be linked to anything other than the action which is occuring in the moment similarly to our children. He doesn't get worried or stressed out about things in the way I do. I think it is both a personality trait as well as his level of stress. Or at least that is what I am telling myself.
As the control freak in the family, I take on 99% of all the financial management for the family. When our family was down to one income and on a more limited budget I didn't feel comfortable letting anyone else manage it, as it gave me huge anxiety. Now that our financial situation has stabilized, I think it will help to begin sharing the load. I hope that by doing so I may regain my ability to play, if you have any advice for how to better compartmentalize my life I'd love to hear it. If you have gone through something similar, also please share. I feel pretty embarassed to feel this way.
My first Resolution of the 2014 year is to enjoy the moment more, by actively participating and trying to reduce my stresses so that I can stop being only half present in my life. I feel buried sometimes by the worries of the day and I want to be free of them.